a state only the texture of a painting could capture
hazy memory and clouded emotion
blurred vision and blurred sense of self
disconnected
disorganized
dissociated
my circadian rhythm is the opposite of yours
ritualistic patterns i fail to comply with
when i can't sleep but can't wake up either,
i indulge in misplaced fantasy
and in the failed attempt to recollect fragmented ideas
that scurry away like squirrels
"what is your bona fides?"
"was your breakfast fried eggs with toast?"
"would you throw up at the sight of intestines strung out like a necklace?"
communication with myself is beyond esoteric
communication with others is incompetent and impulsive
communication through music is chaotic and raw
communication through art is insufficient
like reading a note that your brain left for you
that is smudged beyond legibility
i am not in my childhood photos
i am not in my mind
i am not in mirrors
i may be in others
mismatched, misbound, mistranslated
it will rain down again, after all, shimmering like sequin, slipping away like falling pages
"hello, can we talk?"
Feburary 2022
of an exchange between two on a rainy night
Throw away your soggy cigarette and ask me about my day.
Take a seat and smear with your finger the fuzz
of the meniscus of cold broth in a bowl.
Magnetise your bi-polar heart and show me where it points.
Guide me to the sea and explain
what you'll first fend off against:
the salt or the seaweed.
Where would you go
if you were to leave a trail of footsteps in the snow,
and weren't sure whether you'd come back the same or different?
I want to dissect your mind and study your thoughts.
I will determine whether your spirit is as fragile as
a rose in vitro,
as a naïve heart,
as the truth,
or if it is as sturdy as
history,
as a violin string,
as glass—
Feburary 2022
Once more
Once more, you came knocking on my door.
An even and predictable knock it was.
Every fortnight, more or less, you come.
A joy you instill that's worthy of applause.
But you leave.
Flowing animus, will thou aid me?
From me, embrace of hers slipped away again:
merciless, ruthless, rather graceful
departure. Love knows not of me — not of men.
But what if?
O episteme, will thou aid me?
Of no need is love that aches. Rationale knows.
In darkness, the wandering mind dies.
Only minds can fill other minds. Dispose!
Veracity.
What is virtuous in a patience that yields no fruit?
Perhaps, honour is in the heart of the resolute,
for only they have endured self-torture for an oath.
"The light of my life is worth more than my hurt," they quoth.
Once more, I came knocking at your door.
January 2023
Untitled
Walls pressing my skin
Water rising in my throat
Then the room expands
May 2025 - prompt: "space"
I ate my friend
I ate my friend today
It tumbled around my palm
I raised my hand and swallowed it
Sucking it in like medicine
Cruel hours pass before me
A shadow lingers silently
A dog is walking on a leash
My bitten maw ulcerates
Later we’ll play and we’ll find out
What our endless chatter will be about
But that won’t happen, it is now clear
Because I ate my friend today
Tomorrow still, no one in sight
Not in my shit, not under light
If I ate it, we're tied like laces
A knot I tore with my hands
May 2026
The Heat
Quadruplicity breeds invocation
The poke hangs shivering
Like a cordial hand offering
You an umbilical cord for your troubles
To rejoin the womb that fed you
To nourish every deprived cell in your
Bloodstream, screaming for the shot
The tourniquet tightens in anticipation
It twitches and turns and tries
It bursts
Like an unfolded book
Like a vacuole in a lymphocyte
Like a gangrenous leg at a train station
It bids hello
It greets goodbye
It treats a magnanimous hole in the skull of those whose fluids fly
High
The rush, it invades, it breathes
It pulses, it pushes, it stretches
It awakens you into a reverie
It calls for paléoanthropologie
The cannibalistic wish for a soul to settle
To settle into a flat bedding engraved
Engraved in the depths of the ocean that
Ocean that dries in the sun and brings
Brings to you a saline undercover boss
Boss of the schools that steal vacancies
Vacancies in which we know
Quadruplicity breeds invocation
May 2026
The Impossibility
yourlapsekatulunandestusyunimkanlugu
May 2026
